It's About Suppression

So every day, my loyal readers (all 12 of you) beg me to blog, blog blog. And I say, "I can't!" You see, I need to be inspired, something has to happen that makes me think, I need to blog. Now. This instant.

Well, my friends, that instant has arrived.

Val and I met online, and agreed to grab a drink in the neighborhood where we both live. The first drink was pleasant enough. It was everything a date should be - conversation flowed, there was definitely a mutual attraction, and we were excited to see one another again. With a hug goodbye, Val and I parted ways.

A few days later, I was happy to see that he texted me (after all, who actually makes phone calls anymore?)

Our second date went just as smoothly. More drinks, more conversation, more good times. There was some kissing, which was suprisingly nice.

Val and I continued to text, trying to make plans for date number three.

So, I was in the car driving home from work with my friends when my cell phone made its innocuous "bleep bleep bleep!" to signify an incoming text.

Val: Hey, when am I seeing you?
Me: Well I'm free tonight if you want to hang.

(Yes, I know, I'm supposed to look busy, and in my defense I actually had plans that fell through...)

Val: Can't tonight.
Me: Ok.
Val: I need to tell you something though.

This is where things got interesting. I was waiting for "I can't wait to see you again," or "I really wanted to come to your apartment last time." Here's what I got instead, copied directly from my phone:

Val: Don't ever know how to say this, but I have genital herpes...
Me: Um, is this a joke?
Val: I wouldn't joke about that. I've had it for about 6 years. I take meds every day and don't have many outbreaks a year.
Me: Uh, ok. Why didn't you tell me sooner?
Val: It's awkward to tell someone face to face, (sidenote: nooo, you think?) so I resort to this. I always tell someone if it looks like we might have sex soon...

HA! KEEP DREAMING BUDDY!

A few more texts followed, but that was the jist of it. I was utterly disgusted. I mean, part of me feels bad for the guy. At least he told me, he just as easily could have let it slide. But still, I am so repulsed. Talk about a relationship killer...

P.S. Shoutout to teachers in carros for an awesome title. Hope you appreciate his pseudonym as well :)

Britney's back bitch.

From the Vault: Fantasies, Rear End and Kinkiness

It's been about a week without a date. I'm pretty sure I've exghausted the depository of dateable New York males.

So, for your reading pleasure, I will later introduce you to a man of my past. Let's just call him Fantasies, Rear End and Kinkiness, or FREaK for short.

Yes, pun very much intended.

Creepy Emails are Just a Part of my Life

I had to share this little gem with everyone out there:

To: Singlelady
From: Animallvr

Hi! Dolphins sleep with one eye open! Just a cool fact to get your attention.


Wow. That's all I have to say, wow.

The Stalker

I had completely forgotten about the stalker.

That is, until this little gem popped into my email inbox at precisely 7:43 pm tonight.

This is the exact email, the only thing I have changed is the name:

Hey,

I just wanted to check in and say hi. We went out a couple of times a couple years back and I've always remembered how sweet and nice and special you were. Just wondering if you'd like to give things another shot with us as I'd love to take you out to dinner sometime. Have a great day and I hope all is well.

Larry

It was very easy to choose a psudeoname for stalker. Let's just say that everything about this guy screams "Larry" (No offense to any Larry's out there).

This may at first, appear to be a sweet and normal email, about a love-struck Romeo, trying to woo his Juliet. However, you have no idea about my past with Larry.

My "relationship" with Larry, was bizarre from the start. I had instant messaged a cute guy on Jdate (yes, I've been on it for over a year), and the guy responded:

Singlelady: Hey there.
HotGuy101: Hey, I actually just started dating someone, but you look cute. Wanna go out with my friend? He's not on jdate, but I can send you a picture?

Hopefully you know me well enough by now, loyal reader, that you know my answer before I even type it.

Singlelady: Sure! Send it to Singlelady@gmail.com

No, that is not my actual screenname, nor is it his, so nice try, trying to find our profiles online. Anyways, the picture was decent enough, so off I went, with HotGuy101's friend, good ol' Larry. The date was nothing horrible. In fact it was so un-memorable that I really can't recall a single detail. All I remember, is that there were clearly no sparks.

But that didn't stop Larry. When he called me the next day, I kindly explained to him, that while he seemed like a great guy, I just didn't think there was any chemistry.

Most people get the hint after that.

Nope. Not Larry.

Larry called the next day, and the next, and the next, begging me to go out with him again. This next part makes me sound even more pathetic than Larry.

I caved.

"Fine, one more date," I sighed over the phone. "But if there is no chemistry again, then that's it."

He happily agreed.

I went. There was no chemistry again. Shocking.

The calls didn't stop. When I stopped answering the phone, that's when the emails started. Lucky for you, gmail archives all of them for your viewing pleasure. The emails were mostly just "good morning" emails, and funny clips he had found that he "thought I would enjoy."

Then, there was this one:

Hey,

I'm getting the vibe that you're not as interested in a third date as I am. That's cool. Thank you very much for spending time with me twice. Best of luck!
Larry

I wish that's where they ended...A week later...

Hi,

I don't know why I'm writing. But, I loved spending time with you. I've thought about you every now and again. I was wondering if you were interested in being friends? Totally on your terms.

Larry

Hey,

How's it going? Is your search for a guy going well? If you ever want to hang out (as friends of course), or if there is anything I can ever do for you, please let me know.

Larry

Hey!
Just want to say that the two dates I went on with you were the best two dates I've ever been on. I hope all is well in your search for a guy. Have a great day!
Larry

These were all entertaining to me, and harmless enough...until the email that screamed "RESTRAINING ORDER."

Hey,

Say, if you're ever so busy that you don't have time to go grocery shopping or something, let me know. I'd love to run errands for you. Especially when it's bitter cold out. There are probably things that you'd rather not get up and do. Just let me know, and I'd get so much pleasure out of doing them for you...

Larry

That is copied, word for word, from my forever-scarred gmail archive box. Needless to say, I was now thoroughly creeped out by Larry. If there was ever a line between pathetic nice guy and creepy stalker, he had crossed it.

It had been a year since I had heard from Larry. I thought he was out of my life. Forever. So when I saw that email in my inbox today, please don't think I'm a terrible person for slamming on the delete button with all of my might.

Dirty cocks: The date

Alex texted me the address of the bar where I was to meet him at 9 pm.

Sure enough, he just couldn't let me off that easily...

As my phone vibrated next to me on the couch, I was met with the following message:

"I promise there are no beers there that taste like dirty cocks."

Ha. Good one.

As Alex walked into the bar, he seemed pretty true to his profile, which sadly, is a a rarity.

Suddenly, something caught my eye.

My eyes darted down to his shoes.

"Hey," he said, smiling. "Nice to meet you!"

Never one to filter, I blurted out the following.

"Do your shoes glow in the dark!?"

Awkward silence.

"Uh, yeah. But, uh, they are also, uh, really comfortable." As if that makes it ok...

Sure enough, this guy was wearing sneakers that full on glowed in the dark. As we moved from the entrance of the bar to a table in the back, he awkwardly joked, "just uh, follow my sneakers."

I tried not to let the glow-in-the-dark sneakers taint my opinion of Alex, I really did.

But cmon now, are we five?